Shortly after dark, as the ship pitched and rolled through the waves, the lookout on the wing of the bridge reported, “Light! Bearing on the starboard bow.”

“Is it steady or moving astern?” the Captain called out.

The Lookout replied, “Steady, Captain!” which meant we were on a dangerous collision course with that ship.

The Captain then called to the signalman, “Signal that ship: We are on a collision course, advise you change course 20 degrees.”

Back came a signal, “Advisable for you to change course 20 degrees.”

The Captain said, “Send, I’m a Captain, change course 20 degrees.”

“I’m a seaman second class,” came back the reply. “You had better change course 20 degrees.”

By this time, the Captain was furious. He snapped out, “Send, I’m a battleship! Change course 20 degrees immediately!”

Back came the flashing light…

“I’m a lighthouse.”

We changed course!’

Before you get started I know you wanted a letter in handwriting, but I want to write a long letter so you have to put up with the typed version of events. I’m a terrible “writer” if you get my meaning so I hope you can forgive my digitalness.

— just got back from overseas I saw him list night. That was weird. He looked older. He had a wise look on his face. A new look about him. All that time in london must’ve changed him somehow. Made him a man. —- and him hooked up almost instantaniously. Funny bunch!

Allot of socializing lately there seems to be some sort of party in Brisbane every three days. You know what its like here. Everyone has these big back yards full of people. The smell of fresh cut grass, mixed with cigarette and pot smoke. I have a boys club now called tree house, where jamie, ray, marty matt, and I talk secret mens business and smoke joints.

The rule is that if you pass on anything said in tree house we get to punch you in the back of the head when your not looking. Main rule is no-girls.

Its been one of the coldest Brisbane winters ever. I know you will think it couldn’t be that bad compared the Hobart chill.  But with no indoor heating its been a nightmare. Hard to sleep with the cold air nipping your ears. I’ve been good to myself lately. I was recently reborn.

I had the flu bad. I was sick of being indoors and I had been given tickets to the breeders at the zoo. So I went out and drank with three friends to the tunes till we were all deep under lucidity.

After a few joints and still fluey I walked home at 4 in the morning the pavement felt like marshmallows under my feet.

I got home and took 3 night codral and two neurohen plus. The walls of my apartment are melting, My inner voice becomes audible though both ears. I can feel my heart beat in my eyes.

I fell on my bed and passed out, I saw jesus, he flew with me over the crop circles in england, explaining how to decode them.  Spirits dressed as aliens read from the book for revelations too me. A healing light shone from within my body.

Expecting to be sicker, and more hung over than I have ever been, I wake up the next day feeling reborn. I’d been baptized by something outside of me or inside of me. The flu had gone. I haven’t felt better.

Since I cheated death I’ve been on my best behavior. I’ve been thinking about what ill do when the records all finished. When I finish this record with matt, and tour it around australia and europe. I will come home. Ill sell everything I don’t need. Ill by a small car, and Ill put my music collection in storage.

I will buy a block of land out in the bush, hopefully near Rainforest. I will construct a tipi and live in it, only returning to the city to play shows, and record. Well Its a dream I have. Either that or the opposite move to New York city. I can’t decide. Maybe ill do both.

I’ve been a total professional musician lately doing loads of shows in Sydney and Melbourne and recording every day. I even got invited to be a part of the songwriters of Queensland weekend at applewood. Where we all team up and take turns to write songs together. A cd is made afterwards, I can’t believe Im on a list with other Queensland songwriters like casey chambers and shit. HAHA!

Two CDS one is the Daniel Johnson tapes, and another is my most recent home recordings. You’ll probably like them more than the studio record which I will send you in a few months knowing you.

Anyway Ill write you more but you got to write back first.

Love Edward G xxxxox

The band proclaim on their MySpace page “we’re better than you”, but vocalist Everett True explains that this is most likely being taken the wrong way.
“My apologies for that tag-line, I hope no one has taken offence at it: it was an in-joke that got out of hand,” he starts. “It was actually me telling Ed G [fellow band member Edward Guglielmino] ‘I’m better than you’ when we were arguing over who should be lead vocalist. As I’m rock royalty, I always refer to myself in the plural. He sings like a strangulated cross between Robert Smith and Peter Gabriel with a back ache. I don’t. I rest my case…”
Lyrically, the band often use their songs as a platform to take pot shots at Brisbane and the music scene in which they currently exist. Guglielmino gives us an insight into the writing process.
“Everett likes to pretend he writes the lyrics down but really after to green teas he starts ranting and raving and I just hit record and try to play along!” he says.
So what are these crazy cats planning to do next?
“Our debut album is planned as a Sarah Blasko tribute – her songs sung the way we know she really wanted them to be,” True quips. “Our second album will only feature musicians given an 8.3 rating, or higher, in Time Off. We are already taking applications for groupies of all sexes.”
Application submitted. Though, for the record, Time Off uses a five star rating system for our album reviews. But we’re flattered nonetheless.
WHO: The Thin Kids
WHERE & WHEN: The Troubadour Wednesday Feb 24
The Original Q & A

1. What was the fundamental reason for forming The Thin Kids?

Everett: “We were shocked and disgusted at Australia’s new status as the most obese nation in the world. We felt it was time someone took a stand against it. Us, in fact. Plus, we’re well aware that Arts QLD has been trying to promote Brisbane as the new cultural centre of Australia, and felt that there was no possible way this could happen without some of the city’s leading creative lights taking a more proactive, participatory role. We’re generous that way. Also, we miss the thrill of casual sex that rock stardom inevitably brings.”

Ed: “True and I have also been on a hardcore milkshake diet to try to loose weight. We exercise once a week before rehearsals. Everett has lost 5kg and I’ve put on 5kg. Everett didn’t explain that I was supposed to drink special diet milkshakes. I formed the band with Everett to help my music career since we’ve teamed up my music has appeared on a host of file sharing sites marked “LOLROTG – check out this Robert smith loosers music Everett True 4eva” posted by JohnstonCobain. ”

Maggie: “I decided that I didn’t have enough to do in my life.”

2. With a lengthy story about your formation that seems to stretch the truth, a tagline on your MySpace that says “we are better than you!” and some decidedly lo-fi recordings – are you actively looking to attract backlash?

Everett: “My apologies for that tag-line I hope no one has taken offence at it: it was an in-joke that got out of hand. It was actually me telling Ed G “I’m better than you” when we were arguing over who should be lead vocalist. (As I’m rock royalty, I always refer to myself in the plural.) He sings like a strangulated cross between Robert Smith and Peter Gabriel with a back ache. I don’t. I rest my case… as to the charge of lo-fi: was Elvis called lo-fi because he recorded on two tracks? The Beatles because they used four? We use state-of-the-art technology: it’s not our fault that the rest of the world hasn’t caught up with us.”

Ed: “I let Everett sing after he locked himself in the bathroom and said he wasn’t coming out until we let him sing. As for who is the better singer out of the two of us. You be the judge ”

Maggie: “I don’t know about the other guys but I’ve always wanted to be in a fist fight. I wouldn’t say we’re actively looking for backlash but, hey, if something comes along, I’m ready.”

3. How has the response been to the group so far?

Everett: “Varied and supportive, from ‘an in-joke that shouldn’t have been let out’, to ‘Mr True should stick to his writing’, to ‘fuck off, you Thin Kids cunt’ (spoken in person to Ed G in Starbucks). We are not dissuaded from our goal of enriching the masses’ doubtless grey and humdrum everyday existence. We are fully aware of the green-eyed devil called jealousy.”

Ed “The starbucks thing was interesting because behind the skater kid who heckled me was a Twitter follower of mine. The twittered to me that she saw the whole thing but I didn’t check my twitter till after I’d left. My manager Ben told me if I don’t quit the band soon he’s going to stop managing me. He said that Everett is damaging my career in a way that can not be revearsed. ”

Maggie: “We have a silent member in the band called Dougie. He’s contributed to the engineering of the recordings and he starred in our first film clip. His fanbase on facebook is at 70 members and climbing, so yeah, I’d say the response is going well so far.”

4. Where do you find you draw the majority of your musical and lyrical influence from?

Everett: “The streets and supermarkets and weather conditions and nightclubs and street press writers of Brisbane, a city rich in cultural inspiration and appreciation. Personally, I find the golden carrot of casual sex and the thrill of public humiliation motivators in themselves: ever since my star quit shining as a critic, I miss the routine scorn and approbation heaped upon me daily by talentless musicians.”

Ed “Everett likes to pretend he writes the lyrics down but really after to green teas he starts ranting ad raving and I just hit record and try to play along!”

Maggie: “Trial and Error”

5. What can we expect from your live show?

Everett: “Music to bring a tear to the eye of even the most hardened of Powderfinger fans.”

Ed: “I told Everett I’m not playing a single show till we sort out money. He’s trying to claim the songs as his own but I’ve written most of the melodies and lyrics. He’s gone and booked three shows behind my back. I’m not ruining my career for free. I’ve told him I’ll need $500 a show and a large rider. He either hangs the phone up or locks himself in the bathroom and cries about how famous he was and all the bands he’s played with in the past”

6. What are your plans for the rest of the year?

Everett: “Our debut album is planned as a Sarah Blasko tribute – her songs sung the way we know she really wanted them to be. Our second album will only feature musicians given a 8.3 rating, or higher, in Time Off. We are already taking applications for groupies of all sexes.”

Ed: “I’m being evicted I haven’t made rent the last few weeks and the people in the apartment below have been complaining about the noise when we make when we work out,  argue and rehearse. Also Everett hangs outside the complex after each rehearsal begging for change for the bus home to the gap. So I plan on living in a box and regretting the nail in the coffin of my career.”

Maggie: “Who said you were all invited?”

As my parents saw me off, Mum handed me an American Express card and said “happy graduation, you worked so hard, use this if you need it overseas, have a good time you deserve it”

I think since most of my school teachers told my parents I was going to be a bum, they were surprised to be sending their son over to New York to study.

I stayed in a hotel next which also doubled as welfare housing. After one week in New York, I realized that I wasn’t going to need $10,000 to last 3 months. The people I had met had shown me how to live for around $20 US a day.  Once I finished my degree I still had 1 1/2 months left and lots of free time and money. I went on the biggest drug binge of my entire life.

It all started when I was walking into times square, and a drug dealer handed me his business card.  Very fast he said ‘coke,weed,pills,pot,smack’ and walked off.  I was at first kind of afraid to score drugs off a very tall african Amercian guy.  However later that night I was alone in my hotel room, and thought “well I’ll only live once”.

I rang the number.

Pick up “coke,weed,pills,pot,lsd”.  I had never tried coke, and I had never had a good pill so I asked for 2 pills and 2 grams of coke. He delivered it to my hotel door, the baggies all had the drug dealers number and logo on them.  I did a line and went out to party.

Two days later I woke up and got ready to head to Canada. I had done all my gear so I packed my bags and went to the airport the whole time feeling a piece of lint in my top pocket but not thinking much of it.  Landing in Canada, Billy and his girlfriend picked me up from the airport. Bill was a touring musician that had played the Alley Bar when I was running it and told me to come check out Toronto when I was in Canada.  On the way home from the airport Bill and his girl started sucking down bongs in the car. It wasn’t just weed, but weed mixed with a strong hallucinogen called saliva.  I took a toke and sunk back into the chair. Feeling the lint in my top pocket.

I don’t really remember that month, other than having a huge paranoid drug freak out on New Years Eve, we had been hitting these laced bongs, (the weed was also hydro, and so strong that Bill told me they would trade it, pound for pound for coke in the US, BC bud, its true, google it) and I decided to take two pills, and do a line, it was a very bad idea.

Leaving Canada I was still on another planet, I had dried up but was still Brain mashed, I left behind nearly half my stuff by accident. I flew down to Miami, to spend 4 days at Disney world.

Checking into the hotel, the owner said to me “You look fucked up”.

“I had a big New Year’s Eve” I said reaching for my wallet, feeling a piece of lint in my pocket.  I handed him my parents AMEX. He scanned it and handed it back to me, plus a zanax.

“Take this”, he said “It will give you a good nights sleep”

I took the sleeping pill and feel asleep, but woke soon after, the room was full of light, I was levitating above my bed. Green goo was coming out of the celling. I couldn’t move. I stayed like this for 8 hours, till I woke up.  It was of course some amazingly fucked up drug induced nightmare.  I was still having flash backs as I had my shower, and got ready to head out .

On the way out, the owner said  “Sleep well?”

It said (no bullshit) ” I just had the most fucked up dream of my entire life! I am going to Disney world!”

“Wanna do a line before you go?”

Disney World is the size of Brisbane, no shit, its massive. When you having four types of come downs, and your high at the same time, its like some apocalyptic nightmare.  Occasionally a cartoon would run up to me, I’d double take and it would be a dude in a mickey outfit. The roller coasters nearly killed me, I left an awesome 3D movie where you didn’t have to wear glasses only to find out it wasn’t 3D off the other patrons.  The four days were all the same. Zanax, Coke, Disney, Zanax, Coke, Disney.

Well, I thanked the hotel owner, and flew to New York. One night there, then four nights in Tokyo, then home.

Coming down in Japan was made harder by the obvious  language barrier and the fact that the Japanese don’t name there streets. On the third and last day I decided to repack everything, and empty my pockets. Then and there in my hotel room, a gram of coke dropped out of one of my shirt pockets, with the New York drug dealers logo on it.

So I managed to smuggled coke, in and out of America and into Japan undetected, while having trouble deciphering reality at the same time. It was easy. Although this is a cautionary tale, as upon my return to Australia I needed to take Anti Depressants for three months. If I could do it again I wouldn’t. I’ve never really 100% returned to normal.

It all started back in 1999 when I was in year 10. I was bored shitless and decided I would formulate a game. The aim of the game was to yell PENIS as loud as you could without getting a detention. The winner would be the person who yelled it second last. Of course the game would start off with a whisper ‘penis’, then the next person at speaking voice “Penis”, then over and over it would go. Once class member managed a proper yell several times before getting caught. He was the legend of year 10.

Well it so happened that the game was passed along all the grades until everyone was playing it. Then I heard that boys from another school were playing it. Before I knew it all the schools were playing it against each other at the sporting events when we were supposed to be cheering our teams. Occasionally going for “Vagina” when “Penis” got boring. I didn’t think that much of it other than what a fun game it was until in 2004 I traveled to New York.  I met a bunch of college “jocks” there. They invited me back to their apartment to listen to Sigur Ros and smoke pot, while smoking bongs, they started laughing about the times they played “Penis” is high school. I tried to convince them I invented the game. We were all stoned they thought I was joking. Loads of laughs as I went blue in the face telling the story of how I was the first to yell penis and get a detention in 1999.

In 2007 I went to Berlin for the first time, I thought for a lark I would check if the German kids played Penis in class. I went up to a bunch of school girls and said in broken German “Spielen Sie das Spiel Penis?” (do you play the game penis?). The girls all laughed, one spoke english and said it was there favorite game for maths class.  I couldn’t believe it. Since then I have been nearly everywhere costal in Australia and the game is played nation wide. Its played in Prague, its played in London, LA, Greece, world wide this game is known.

I invented a world famous game for high school kids (and I can only guess some primary school kids). Unbelievable. The only place it hasn’t taken off is Japan. This could also be because I spoke bad Japanese to some school girls who bowed and walked away.

So really in life I have achieved two things inventing the game penis, and accidententally smuggling coke over 3 boarders (wait to next week for that story).

I’m currently reading neil young’s biography, last night it kept me up till 3:30 am.  Young never thought about song writing in the same way that until recently I probably just opened my mouth and let it all pore out. He actually had a saying  “if you think you stink”.

Around 1:00 a.m. after switching though many records I found one that I had not played for a while Brian Eno’s “Music for Films” I allowed the whole thing to play as I read about the debauchery surrounding Neil Young’s Zuma sessions.   Once that was finished I put on classical music, which I rarely listen to,  Mozart  “cosi fan tuttte da ponte”. The air was right, and as I started to fall asleep with my book in hand I decided to pick up my guitar and give a go at writing a song.

I got out three very usable songs. This is in a time when things are good, which leads to less song writing. Also summer in Brisbane is very uninspiring if you are a depressive.  Birds are chirping and generally you feel more like going for a swim than writing a song about the darkness in your heart.

Listening to the tapes of what I did last night, I thought perhaps there is a formula for song writing after all. I was reading an interview with Paul Kelly, he was saying “If I knew how to write a song, I would write one every day”.  Well, I think I might have figured out how I write, which is an artistic break for me, because some months I am writing songs every day, and other months are absolute song droughts.  One of the major influences in last nights break-though was I was literally falling asleep with my guitar in hand.  So if you want to try it here is the recipe.

-5 hours before you go to bed, watch 1 depressing film, in a dark room.

-Then put on an ambient, non traditional record and read an artists biography (suggestions Roman By Polaski, Eric Clapton, Shakey, Heaver than Heaven, The chronicles, Pollock, Andy Warhol Diaries, or if you don’t like Art try Charles Darwin’s auto biography, Steve Wozniak Autobiography or Einstein A life)

-Keep reading till you are on the verge of passing out, perhaps this will take a few records (records are better than mp3’s not just for obvious reasons, but they keep you awake because you have to get up and turn them over and change them. For example Mozart “cosi fan tuttte da ponte” is on three records)

-When you are weak of mind and can’t read anymore grab preferred instrument, and play thoughtlessly, do not interfere with what is coming out. If device is available record everything.  If your like me you’ll be unable to set up anything more complicated than a tape deck at this point.

There you have it, song writing 101, now remember I didn’t say hit songs!

This is my song settle down with me!